I think that the aging process is a terrible thing .... right, that's a natural process that happens to the body, aging is explained by shortening of the ends of chromosomes known as "telomeres", and once the telomeres run out – the cell commit a suicide, in a process called apoptosis, and dies. Like the body.

2 months ago, my grandmother collapsed at home, lost consciousness for an unknown time and when she woke up on the floor, she tried to shout for help - luckily, her neighbor heard her cries and went in through the window and called an ambulance. My grandmother has been ill for many years with a disease called Lupus, an autoimmune disease that is expressed in different ways with each person. Despite her illness of many years, until 19 years ago my grandmother was a strong woman, tall and beautiful - always wearing high heels, stylish leather jackets, trousers and stylish dresses, putting on makeup and always wore a pin on her lapel. A real European lady from the upper classes, like she was before coming to Israel. And then my grandfather died.

It happened when I was 4. I was the first grandchild of my grandparents from both sides. My paternal grandma and grandpa lived in a neighbor city to our city, but they just needed to cross a two-lane road to reach my house, it usually took about 20 minutes. Every Friday, my grandma and grandpa were coming to take me out to the nursery. On the way to the nursery, grandpa was holding my left hand, and grandma was holding my right hand with such a strong grip so I could not run to the road, although I've always been an obedient child - did what the adults told me.

On one of these Fridays, grandma, grandpa and I were on the way through the second road. Suddenly, I felt my grandfather's grip loosens, and the first thing I remember is seeing him lying on the sidewalk, his big glasses shattered and blood covered his face. Then I remember an ambulance, I remember they took me to my mother's work and a few days later all the adults went to the funeral and my parents explained to me that grandpa, my beloved grandpa, went up, to heaven for good.

He was an extremely loving grandfather. He would wake up many times at night to check if my diaper was dry, he would sing songs to me, he was proud of his first grandchild. I look just like him. I do not resemble anyone of my family like I resemble him. A copy of him, both in spirit, character and exterior features.

Since then, my grandma has changed. She was his queen, he spoiled her. They were a strong couple together, but separately - she was a wreck. Empty. And then again, he died so young, from such a terrible disease as lung cancer and he never even smoked one cigarette in his life. She was a tall woman, my grandma, and then she shrank, her strength gave his place to the sadness.

Just few months ago I was sitting at her house, when I visited Israel, I told her about school and all the projects I'm involved in and she said - so too bad he's not here ... He was so proud of you .... he could not contain his pride and joy of his first grandchild. My younger brother, now 19, was born three months after our grandfather died, and never got the chance to know him. He was named after him.

He would have been so proud of him, of my little brother.

And in 2 months, I will turn 24. I’m aging as well, that process will never skip on me.

This is the age when you start thinking about your future in other aspects. I took care of my education by putting myself in a super-long program like medicine. Now, thoughts about family and kids starting to grow inside me. I’m getting older.

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And in another note - I will like to see your comments, thoughts, ideas, negative and positive feedbacks on my blog! Everything is acceptable.

Lately I came to realization that I use porn too much, and it may (or many not) become an addiction. Anyways, I’m prone to addictions from the first place – cigarettes, I had the alcohol period (high school…oj…) and falling in love with unreachable people is my newest addiction since 2 years ago. But in my defense I must say that my addictions are usually moderate and controllable. Well, except of the cigarettes part, which is a problem cause I actually like smoking. But I know that these are my last weeks as a smoker. I promised myself. Well, back to the topic – porn. How it developed, I ask myself, and the answer has to be philosophical and life-analytic. So the answer is – it’s a replacement. It’s a replacement for a man’s body in my bed, for a cock, for the mutual heat and for the desire. I sleep with 4 pillows - one on which I actually sleep, one I use when I'm reading in bed and the other 2 - to hug during the night, which somehow makes my falling-a-sleep process easier. In general, I noticed, that when I'm hugging something (a shirt, my bag, a pillow) it means that I'm yearning for a mans touch.

My weakest points are the mornings and the evenings, before falling asleep. Or let it be defined differently – every time I’m lying in my bed, conscious. Lately though I noticed, that I have a new-old figure in my mind, and my self-sexy-time starts with porn (Google-long gay porn-find something which looks promising-double click-there you go) but ends completely different! I actually close my computer, finding the most comfortable position in my bed, close my eyes and imagine him. The orgasms became much better, one must admit. But no, porn as a substitute is not a bad one, but in the time it’s not sufficient and you loos interest quickly. When you reach that understanding? When you enter your favorite site an you get angry that they don’t put new videos there for you.

Although having this new-old fantasy boy on my mind it’s nice and fun, especially when you know the guy in person – it can be confusing. So very much.

Have a great day everyone, I’m going back to study.